Don't
by ficdirectory
Summary: Emma copes in the aftermath of 3x03 "Asian F". WARNING: mentions obsessive-compulsive disorder.


It's always the same. Emma Pillsbury can't seem to escape it. The germs. The messes. The everything that makes her feel so out of control that the only way to cope is to clean. When Will invites her parents, Emma spirals. She can feel it.

In all fairness, he doesn't know the intricacies of their relationship. He doesn't know that they call her names and make fun of her. As if that will truly make a difference. As if that will snap her out of her compulsion.

That night, she prays. She fights with the only weapon she has. Thank God, Will understands. Thank God, he is sorry. Thank God, he stood up for her. But she is still fighting.

"What can I do?" he asks.

But Emma can't answer. Her mind is consumed with anxiety. It pours through her, unchecked, and it's taking all of her concentration not to act on any of the rituals that bring her temporary relief.

"Don't," she whispers.

She hopes Will knows she's not talking to him. This is a warning to herself. She is learning that her mind cannot stay scared. If she sits with the feelings long enough, they will pass. But if she gets up now - if she goes to the sink or the shower or picks up the hairbrush - it will all be for nothing.

Instead, she squeezes her hands together and shuts her eyes tight. She isn't expecting what happens next. She isn't expecting Will to work his hands between her own, giving her something else to grab onto. Something else to focus on. For a while, it works. They look at each other. She breathes. The thoughts, though, are still there.

But Emma is determined. She has gone a long time without a severe resurgence of her symptoms and she has gotten on top of them before. She has to believe she can do it again. So, she focuses on breathing - and with each deep breath - she thinks of some way she can do something productive for someone else.

She thinks of the kids, who are her primary source of inspiration on a daily basis. Even the ones she rarely sees have the possibility to inspire her. She can look into more wrestling opportunities for Lauren - a girl who is confident enough in herself to break stereotypes everywhere she goes. She can make apologies to Kurt for her total lack of professionalism when he re-auditioned for a part in the musical. She can check in with Blaine and be sure he is adjusting to McKinley. She can set up an appointment with Mercedes to see what's really going on beneath the girl's brash exterior. She can help Finn find direction for his future. She can work with Brittany and her parents, to find ways to overcome her difficulties in the classroom.

With each student's name, and each solution, Emma finds herself breathing a little easier. She thinks about all the ways they have risen beyond their circumstances - how hard they have fought back every day to be where they are - as a guidance counselor, she knows more about them than they might ever reveal to her on their own.

She knows Quinn's real first name is Lucy. She suspects that it is Lucy who is experiencing a crushing grief and Quinn who is covering that pain with tattoos and hair dye. She knows Tina never had a stutter, but kept the secret until Tina was willing to tell it herself. She knows Finn and Rachel are so codependent it's painful. She knows to be worried about Sam since he suddenly relocated to Kentucky after revealing his family was living in a hotel. She knows that Mike is incredibly talented, and has encouraged him in a million small ways to pursue his talent. She knows that Santana is struggling with something deeper than any of them can guess at.

Emma prays for her. She prays for all of them.

And in doing that, somehow, she finds the strength to pray for herself.

She knows, too, that if all these kids can find it in themselves to hang on, Emma can do it, too. They walk the difficult road every day, and they are better for it.

This is why, the next day, Emma locates Shannon and Artie. Together, they find Kurt at his locker and she invites him to her office to talk.

"I want to apologize for our behavior at your audition with Rachel," Emma says, and she means it. She doesn't know what she was thinking. "It wasn't a reflection on you at all. Kurt, you're so talented. And we're so sorry."

He nods, with a self-assurance she isn't sure he actually possesses, but projects all the same. "I appreciate that," he says. Then, he gets up, and walks out.

"That," she says carefully to Artie and Shannon, "can never happen again."

"Understood," Artie confirms. Emma can see Shannon's eyes are bright with tears of regret.

She knows too, that sometimes, what a person makes a decision to stop doing is every bit as powerful as what they do.

_The End._


End file.
